Columbia, SC – Lindsay Graham (R-SC) has been directing ICE tactics based on gay sexual asphyxiation techniques applied by his secret boyfriend. “There is a moment when you get closer to God as your boyfriend depletes you of semen and oxygen, whether it be with a belt or his small, Trump-like hands,” Graham explained in detail unrelated to the question asked about ICE detentions during a Senate committee meeting. Experts confirmed this could explain the turkey gobbling Adam’s Apple protruding from Graham’s wrinkled, decrepit neck, which has been rumored to double as a tea-bagging ball gag device to prevent little Secretary of State Marco Rubio from speaking.

Graham had previously complained about the lack of grip his close friend and war veteran John McCain had when pressing his neck for votes in one direction or another, and he remembered Bob Dole, who had perfected the pencil-dick grab that pleased Graham so much.

Yet, when he has Lardass’s small fingers attempting to suck the air out of his lungs before he spooges one more time, he thinks about redistricting parts of South Carolina to be more Republican. It holds off the premature ejaculation before Graham’s thoughts of Barron have him shooting up like crypto insider trading.

The recent raid in Minneapolis saw agents deploying Senator Graham’s boyfriend’s tactics with three shots to the face, something Graham gets done to his face throughout the day during committee meetings with Senate Republicans and at home while cuddling with his Southern Boo.

New training tactics currently being deployed include a passive-aggressive charm that includes saying “Bless Your Heart” any time agents are putting a bag over an immigrant’s head while intentionally slamming it on the roof of the unmarked van while throwing the working-class vermin in the Auschwitz Train.