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By:Joe Fotalattee Washington D.C. – In a stunning display of journalistic prowess, CNN’s chief white house correspondent, Jim Acosta, has unveiled a transformative reporting style marked by dramatic pauses, expressive eyebrow raises, and a deep voice to grab your attention like Barry White to your mom. The award-winning journalist, renowned for his flair for the…
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This is why humanity has given up and voted Lardass. By: Joe Fotalattee Jerusalem – In a historic press conference held in a lavishly decorated conference room adorned with the broken dreams of peace, CNN proudly announced an “almost ceasefire” agreement between Israel and Palestine for the 100th time. “This time, it’s different,” proclaimed CNN…
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Washington, D.C. — Vice President Kamala Harris’s administration’s would have been nominee list leaked Secretary of Health and Human Services: Lady Gaga With an impressive background advocating for mental health awareness and LGBTQ+ rights, Lady Gaga would have been appointed Secretary of Health and Human Services. HHS staffers eagerly anticipated whether Gaga would strut into…
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By: Joe Fotalatte, Chief Sorority Correspondent Florida Attorney General Pam Bondi has been elevated to the dizzying heights of a Lardass administration position mere minutes after Matt Gaetz, a name synonymous with statutory rape, withdrew from contention. The political climate is once again shaken as Bondi’s success can single-handedly be attributed to her life-long commitment…
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By Joe Fotalatte Over the past week, the self-proclaimed emperor of chaos, Lardass, has unleashed a parade of his most devoted sidekicks into the grandest show of his Lardass administration. Here we are to date: (Apologies for one of the few “not satire” features on presidentlardass.com, and we will always label it as such when…
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Opinion By Daryl Hannah His Open Retardedness Could Dull the Sparkle of Justice! Washington, D.C. — Critics are claiming that his pronounced “open retardedness” is reminiscent of other prominent figures like Elon Musk and Lardass’s youngest son. Sources close to the matter have indicated that his potential autism spectrum similarities may not only affect his…
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Opinion by Johnny Rocket President Lardass is set to nominate a new Attorney General who is a perfect representation of the Lardass Rape Brand. A Match Made in Rapings First and foremost, let’s talk about the candidate’s résumé. In a time when seemingly any qualifications are scrapped in favor of loyalty to the brand, this…
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By Joe Fotalattee Legendary Beatle Paul McCartney has expressed profound embarrassment over a lyric from his classic hit, “Saw Her Standing There.” The lyric in question, “Just seventeen, if you know what I mean,” has become a focal point for public ire as reports surface about a prominent middle-aged candidate vying for the Attorney General…
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By Joe Fotalatte Washington, D.C. — The potential future Attorney General prefers compensating underage sex workers exclusively through Venmo and PayPal.The Elf Faced Perv, with painted thin sinister eyebrows, used both methods to pay a 17-year-old prostitute repeatedly starting in the summer of 2017. “Gone are the days of cash transactions and awkward alleyway exchanges,”…
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by Joe Fotalattee The controversial flavors, “Shrapnel Strip” and “Gaza Gooey Genocider,” were promising to set taste buds ablaze, and quickly nixed by Unilever, the parent company of Ben And Jerry’s. The flavors included ingredients like “war-torn wafer pieces” and “apples with sand chunks.” The company touted the offerings as a “bold commentary on world…
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