Palm Beach, FL – President Lardass announced today that he had purchased his wife, Melania, from the late Jeffrey Epstein for the astonishing sum of one dollar. The deal, which reportedly included options for a beauty pageant and a luxurious mini-golf resort on Epstein Island, has renewed criticism regarding Lardass having his name retracted from previous Epstein documents.

“Why pay more when you can get the best for just a buck?” President Lardass quipped during a press conference behind a fake gold podium, flanked by a group of bewildered reporters and a giant inflatable golf cart. “This was a tremendous deal, folks.”

According to sources close to the president, the transaction was part of a larger real estate deal that included plans to transform Epstein Island into a “world-class destination.” The proposed features of the resort included:

• The Miss Melania Pageant: A yearly beauty contest where contestants would compete for the title of “Most Fabulous,” with the winner receiving a lifetime supply of spray tan and a personal golf cart.
• The Lardass Mini-Golf Course: A sprawling 9-hole mini-golf course designed to be “the best in the world,” featuring holes named after the president’s favorite fast-food items.
• Ivanka Child Look-Alike Contest: The contest was to be judged by Lardass himself, who would whisper the winners into Jeffrey’s inner ear lobes.

Melania, for her part, appeared unfazed by the news. “I’m just happy to be part of a winning team,” she said in a statement.