Attendees at the memorial service for conservative firebrand Charlie Kirk will be treated to a series of hugs instead of the traditional 21-gun salute. Organizers are calling it a new era of “compassionate conservatism,” with many expecting a series of executive order gun regulations to prevent future shootings.

As the service commenced, a banner reading “Hugs, Not Guns” was unfurled, signaling a shift in the conservative narrative. Kirk, known for his fiery rhetoric and staunch right-wing views, was honored not with the sound of gunfire but with the warm embrace of his supporters. “We wanted to show that conservatism can be loving and inclusive,” said one organizer, wiping away a tear. “Charlie believed in the power of community, and what better way to honor him than with a group hug?”

Attendees were encouraged to share their favorite memories of Kirk while participating in a “hug circle,” where they could express their feelings in a safe space. “I never thought I’d be hugging a libertarian,” said one emotional guest, “but here we are, breaking down barriers one embrace at a time.”

As of press time, the burial service was delayed due to groundskeepers reportedly being deported by ICE just hours before the ceremony. “We were all set to lay Charlie to rest, but now we’re just waiting for someone to dig the hole,” lamented a family member. “It’s a real shame; Charlie would have wanted a beautiful resting place.” The Lardass administration, experts at hole digging based on recent job numbers, promised a non-chaotic resolution.

“Maybe we need to rethink our approach,” said a prominent conservative commentator. “If we can replace gun salutes with hugs, who knows what else we can change? Perhaps we can even start listening to the other side, respect the rule of law, and count votes?”

As the sun sets on the memorial service, attendees will be left with a renewed sense of purpose. “Charlie may be gone, but his spirit lives on in our hugs,” one supporter declared. “We’re ready to usher in a new era of compassionate conservatism—one embrace at a time.”