Mar-a-Lago, FL– Lardass has officially announced an executive order that will replace the traditional autopen with a tiny golf pencil from Mar-a-Lago. The decision, made during a lavish brunch featuring a buffet of fried foods and a side of self-congratulation, is being hailed by some as a bold step toward a more “personal” presidency.

Sources close to the president have revealed that this decision is also a passive-aggressive jab at his immigrant first lady, who has reportedly expressed her discontent with his policies. “He thinks that by using this tiny pencil, he can somehow make his actions seem less harsh,” said a White House insider. “But we all know it’s just a way for him to feel powerful while still being petty.”

Whitehouse spokesperson Kiddo Karoline Leavitt defended the move: “The autopen is just too big and cumbersome for Lardass’s delicate hands. This tiny golf pencil fits perfectly!” The felony president plans to use this diminutive writing instrument to continue his administration’s war on immigrants. “It’s all about the symbolism,” he declared, brandishing the pencil like a sword. “With this little guy, I can sign orders limiting freedoms and deporting immigrants in a way that feels more personal. It’s like I’m giving Melania a little nudge out the door!”

As President Lardass wields his tiny golf pencil in the name of executive power, it is clear the cruelty of his administration knows no bounds.