Dry Tear Duct Outbreak Reported, Epidemic Expected to Last a Year

Medical professionals have reported a dramatic increase in cases of dry tear ducts among liberals across the nation. This has been attributed to the relentless barrage of political turmoil, deportations, attacks on free speech, and the rule of law.

Dr. Tammy Pon, a leading ophthalmologist, stated, “We have seen compassionate conservatives like Melania suffer from dry vagina syndrome, but this is unprecedented. It seems that the emotional weight of political discourse has literally dried up their tear ducts.”

As if the political climate weren’t enough to contend with, the administration’s preference for nepotism has further exacerbated the situation. Dr. Pon added, “I heard Barron is no longer having wet dreams about Charlie Kirk, so I guess the violent rhetoric of Lardass affects us all in different ways.” The administration’s approach has led to a series of questionable comments, calls for retribution, and left many feeling that their voices are being drowned out by a chorus of sycophants.

Meanwhile, Lardass’s Health Secretary has suggested a homeopathic solution to combat dry tear ducts. The unconventional remedy involves meditating while driving, with the added thrill of hitting a deer. Once the unfortunate animal is struck, the driver is encouraged to place the deer in a cute position near a bicycle in a park. This bizarre ritual is said to evoke a sense of remorse, potentially leading to a single tear as one reflects on what a monster one has become.

With tear ducts running dry, liberals are left searching for ways to reconnect with their feelings in a world that seems increasingly hostile. Dr. Pon suggests, “It’s time for a collective cry as we cast midterm votes on November 8, 2026—a cathartic release that could hydrate tear ducts and also serve as a rallying cry for unity.”