Zelensky Concerned Lardass Will Take Too Much Couch Territory,
Vance Not Ready For Threeway.

Kyiv, Ukraine – As the world gears up for a highly anticipated summit involving Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky, Russian President Vladimir Putin, and President Lardass, a new concern has emerged: Zelensky reveals that he is increasingly anxious about the seating arrangements, particularly the potential for Lardass to take up too much territory on the couch.

“I mean, have you seen the man?” Zelensky reportedly said, gesturing dramatically. “He’s like a human black hole. Lardass puts the Rump in Frumpy. I’m worried that if he sits down, he might just absorb the entire couch into his gravitational pull. What if Putin and I are left standing?”

Adding to the couch-related anxiety is Ohio Senator JD Vance, who has voiced his own concerns about the furniture’s readiness for such a large ass. Vance, known for his long-term relationship with the sofa, stated, “We need to ensure that the couch can handle the weight of his presidency. We shared a lot on Epstein Island, but this is new territory.”

In a bid to alleviate these concerns, Zelensky has reportedly consulted with interior designers and structural engineers to reinforce the couch. “We’re looking at options like reinforced steel frames and maybe even a weight limit sign. If we can’t get through this summit without a couch collapse, like Lardass’s world economy, what hope do we have for world peace?”

As the summit date approaches, the couch has become a symbol of the larger geopolitical tensions at play. Will it withstand the weight of Lardass? Or will it buckle like most sycophants, congress members, and country leaders under the pressure of an oversized, racist buffoon who is President Lardass?